Peace

In my previous blog, I wrote about how difficult it was for me to be in social situations with unfamiliar people. It is so interesting to me that the most social person can become more withdrawn when they are dealing with insecurities such as infertility. I'm not exactly a super out going person, but I've never had a problem socializing. (Case in point, when I was in grade school and collecting soup labels for a fundraiser, my mom was horrified to hear that I was going into people's homes and shooting the breeze.) It may be a little surprising to hear that infertility impeded my ability to socialize with people particularly at church.

Assembling and worshipping with other believers is one of the most wonderful things about being a Christian. However, depending on where you are in your infertility journey (testing, treatment, holding pattern, deciding to be a family of two, or pursuing adoption), it can be very difficult to survive a church service without breaking down emotionally. Whether the praise team sings a song like "Blessed Be Your Name" (lyrics from the song: "Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.") or a well-meaning greeter asks how many children you have, couples with inferitility can experience some very uncomfortable moments at church. I HATE being emotional around strangers, and if we felt particularly vulnerable, we "did" church at home-usually by watching Pastor Charles Stanley. Over the years, we have done this a lot, and though I felt that I learned so much from Charles Stanley, I would always feel guilty about not going to church. I believe my guilt stemmed from "forsaking the assembling" of the saints as mentioned in Hebrews 10:25. I believe public worship is so, so, important for our Christian walk. About the time we stopped attending church regularly, I stopped listening to Christian music and singing along to my worship cds on my work commute. I really felt that I had lost my joy and my heart's song.

The withdrawing, lack of joy, and absence of worship, I believe were all symptoms of a heart condition. I felt that God was not answering our prayers, and I was angry. I wanted my plans and my timing. I rationalized it by thinking that He had put this desire in our hearts for a child, so He must intend for us to have one biologically. Adoption was always an option- after we had biological children. After so many years of trying to trying manipulate things, we finally came to this conclusion: we want a family, and biology really doesn't matter. After lots of prayer regarding this, doors started to open. We heard about the local adoption facilitator through an employee of Tri-Counties Bank, Billy's employer. We applied for the program and were accepted within it last month.

Billy and I have so much peace about this. My relationship with God is on the mends. I feel myself starting to trust His plans and timing for my life more. We are trying to be better about attending church. I'm feeling more joy as I recognize all the blessings in my life. I've also started humming along to my worship music. He's restoring my heart's song...