Disclaimer: This post is VERY sensitive in nature. Because of the subject matter, the privacy setting has been adjusted on Facebook. The purpose of the post is to educate others as to the longterm impact infertility has upon many women. Do you remember this nugget of wisdom? "First of all, he said, if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." Atticus-Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird. This post will give you that opportunity-to crawl into the skin of a woman who has struggled with the deepest wounds caused by infertility.
"First comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage..." Growing up we recited little sing-songy rhymes about life, played with our dolls, and scrawled MASH on our paper to see what kind of job, home, spouse, and number of children we would have, without understanding that none of those things come easily-let alone having children. In my growing up years, I don't know if I was even aware of infertility. I don't recall anyone I knew struggling with infertility, nor do I remember discussing it in our Family Living class at Liberty Christian High School (was that what our class was called?). The Center of Disease Control and Prevention reports that 1.5 million women in the United States are infertile. Aside from the physical impacts of infertility, there are very significant psychological impacts.
It makes sense that infertility impacts women in such a deep psychological way. It comes from the assumption that when you grow up and get married, you are going to have children some day. I had it figured out. I wanted three kids: a boy first, then a second, boy, and a little girl. I wanted the older brothers to protect the younger sister. Fast forward to our struggle to have a family, those dreams were not easy to set aside. With each unproductive month of "trying," I began feeling worse and worse about myself. How valuable was I to my husband if I couldn't have a baby? I mean, I clean up okay, but he certainly didn't marry me for my looks, cooking ability, or other domestic talents. I began to hear about friends of mine who struggled with infertility, and their marriage ended! The financial and emotional toll was too much for them. Would it happen to us? I couldn't blame Billy for wanting to move on to "greener (more fertile) pastures."
I began to feel very unattractive. Very unwomanly. Very useless. Very unworthy.The fun part of "trying" to have a baby wasn't fun. In fact, that is an understatement. Imagine sharing precious intimate times with your spouse only to be interuppted with moment killing thoughts like "go ahead, nothing is going to come from this anyway" followed by horrible ugly crying (you can laugh at the ugly crying part). It happened and sometimes still happens.
I know that I am not the only infertile woman who has experieced these deep emotional wounds. According to "Psychological Consequences of Infertility" from the Hellenic Journal of Pschology, infertility can cause self-esteem and self-image issues that can lead to depression and ultimately a lack of sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction. These psychological impacts of infertility compounded with anxiety (often magnified by hormones when undergoing fertility treatments) and financial pressure, are huge contributors to divorce.
The only way that Billy and I got through any of this, and still get through it, is by the grace of God. Unlike a struggle with weight or any other physical, self-image related issues in which a person has ultimate control, I cannot control my fertility. That is one major reason I have struggled-I'm a control freak and a huge planner. Family planning (ha, ha-I have to laugh at the term or I cry)...BUT, God is ultimately in control. With each year that passes, it becomes more apparent that His best plan for me is not to ever get pregnant. He probably knows that I would have been a psycho pregnant lady-maybe I'd key someone's car or something...Whatever His reason for this, I have to trust that He has my best interest at heart. I also have to constantly remind myself that as a Christian, my value is in Christ. He felt I was worthy enough to purchase with His blood, and because of that I need to live for Him. He didn't purchase me to live a barely making it life, but He wants me to live as a Victor because of all that He has done-through the cross. He conquered our infertility by blessing us with Liam, and He may choose to do that again.
In my strongest, most victorious voice, don't you dare feel sorry for me! I'm learning to rejoice in these emotional scars. When people hear about our struggle, I get to brag about what God has done for us. I get to encourage other ladies who are in the midst of the rollercoaster, and I am blessed by the relationships that have resulted from all of this. So really, our infertility is a gift that keeps on giving!
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Recent Reflections
And three years without blogging went-just like that (snaps fingers). Wow...I relied on blogging to help me address the deep sadness that I experienced during our journey to start a family and to help me keep people informed about how Liam was doing during his first year of life. Now, I have another reason to blog...
Remember those dreams you had when you were in high school? How you thought your life would turn out-the job, marrital status, kids, etc.? Did life follow your plans? For most people their life probably didn't turn out exactly how they dreamt. So that brings up an issue regarding perspective- do you say "plot twist!" and roll with it, or do you wallow in self-pity? Ten years of the infertility rollercoaster was a constant struggle not to fall in into that pit. After adopting Liam, I thought I had gotten it: like Jacob in the Bible who waited for Rachel literally for years, we had also received our blessing. Hind sight was 20/20. God PROVED faithful. He blessed us beyond what we could have ever imagined. There is nothing we would have changed about our journey-NOTHING... Not the poking and prodding of fertility treatments, not the miscarriages, not the emotional toll it took on Billy and I individually, not the strain it put on our marriage, nor the financial debt-because it ultimately lead us to God's perfect plan for us. Now he's four years old!
So, where do we go from here? That is the question we are faced with, and time is passing us by at lightening speed. Billy and I aren't getting any younger, and neither is Liam lol. When Billy and I were married, we dreamt of having the 2.5 kids (.5 was that another baby or a dog?-could never figure that out...). Of course we had no idea that we would struggle for as long as we did to have a family. We wanted to exhaust all of our resources, thus the fertility treatments. We didn't want to look back, and have regret for not giving it "a good ol' college try." However, we continue to experience the consquences of devoting so much of our finances to becoming a family-not just on fertility treatments but also the cost of adopting. Because of that, Billy and I have taken a very passive stance in further expanding our family. Years ago, I told Billy that I thought God might surprise us in the future. That maybe He didn't want us to be so proactive to pursue baby #2. Maye he wanted us to wait for Him to bring a situation to us.
That is exactly what happened-twice. However, neither obviously panned out. When Liam wasn't even a year old, Billy received a phone call from our social worker that a college girl was wanting to put her baby up for adoption. Our heads spinned as we tried to imagine having two babies in diapers. Billy continously called and checked in with our social worker, but the mother decided to keep the baby. Then in March of this year, I was contacted by a friend about birthparents who wanted to place their child up for adoption. This situation was a bit stickier, and ultimately did not work out either. Billy rolled with it all as a champ. I had a harder time-I felt like God was waving a carrot in front of my face, just out of reach. It felt like a cruel trick. Once again I realized that I needed to rage battle with my thoughts.
As Christians, that is the struggle, right? To not just rattle off Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. You have to believe that God really has the best plan for us, and you have to abandon what we thought was going to happen. Accept, and move on. Not so easy, but something that is essential: die to self; live for Christ. I know that I am not the only person that is struggling with this concept. We need to pray for each other as we endure our unqiue trials, refer to previous times in our life when God has proven himself faithful, we need to feed our soul by devouring His Word, and we need to pour ourselves out to Him. Something Billy and I need to do more often as we contemplate our current passive stance or taking on a more proactive stance to add to our family. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Remember those dreams you had when you were in high school? How you thought your life would turn out-the job, marrital status, kids, etc.? Did life follow your plans? For most people their life probably didn't turn out exactly how they dreamt. So that brings up an issue regarding perspective- do you say "plot twist!" and roll with it, or do you wallow in self-pity? Ten years of the infertility rollercoaster was a constant struggle not to fall in into that pit. After adopting Liam, I thought I had gotten it: like Jacob in the Bible who waited for Rachel literally for years, we had also received our blessing. Hind sight was 20/20. God PROVED faithful. He blessed us beyond what we could have ever imagined. There is nothing we would have changed about our journey-NOTHING... Not the poking and prodding of fertility treatments, not the miscarriages, not the emotional toll it took on Billy and I individually, not the strain it put on our marriage, nor the financial debt-because it ultimately lead us to God's perfect plan for us. Now he's four years old!
So, where do we go from here? That is the question we are faced with, and time is passing us by at lightening speed. Billy and I aren't getting any younger, and neither is Liam lol. When Billy and I were married, we dreamt of having the 2.5 kids (.5 was that another baby or a dog?-could never figure that out...). Of course we had no idea that we would struggle for as long as we did to have a family. We wanted to exhaust all of our resources, thus the fertility treatments. We didn't want to look back, and have regret for not giving it "a good ol' college try." However, we continue to experience the consquences of devoting so much of our finances to becoming a family-not just on fertility treatments but also the cost of adopting. Because of that, Billy and I have taken a very passive stance in further expanding our family. Years ago, I told Billy that I thought God might surprise us in the future. That maybe He didn't want us to be so proactive to pursue baby #2. Maye he wanted us to wait for Him to bring a situation to us.
That is exactly what happened-twice. However, neither obviously panned out. When Liam wasn't even a year old, Billy received a phone call from our social worker that a college girl was wanting to put her baby up for adoption. Our heads spinned as we tried to imagine having two babies in diapers. Billy continously called and checked in with our social worker, but the mother decided to keep the baby. Then in March of this year, I was contacted by a friend about birthparents who wanted to place their child up for adoption. This situation was a bit stickier, and ultimately did not work out either. Billy rolled with it all as a champ. I had a harder time-I felt like God was waving a carrot in front of my face, just out of reach. It felt like a cruel trick. Once again I realized that I needed to rage battle with my thoughts.
As Christians, that is the struggle, right? To not just rattle off Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. You have to believe that God really has the best plan for us, and you have to abandon what we thought was going to happen. Accept, and move on. Not so easy, but something that is essential: die to self; live for Christ. I know that I am not the only person that is struggling with this concept. We need to pray for each other as we endure our unqiue trials, refer to previous times in our life when God has proven himself faithful, we need to feed our soul by devouring His Word, and we need to pour ourselves out to Him. Something Billy and I need to do more often as we contemplate our current passive stance or taking on a more proactive stance to add to our family. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
We Will Never Forget
The phrase "We will never forget" became, for lack of a better term, the catch phrase (and battle cry) after the attacks on America on 9/11. The phrase is often used to memorialize a lost loved one. You can see it transfered on the back windows of vehicles with the date of a loss. The phrase evokes emotion. It shows the value and the importance of what was lost. To me, the phrase highlights the importance of a memory whether it be of a specific person or event. When I was thinking about our infertility journey, this phrase seemed especially appropriate.
Some people think that our infertility journey is over because we adopted. When in fact, it really isn't. We still deal with the consequences of our decisions made during the journey. We still deal with insensitive comments made by people. We still wonder how we are going to add to our family in a couple of years, but mostly with great anticipation. Liam is a beautiful miracle, a conclusion to a series of amazingly choreographed events.
Because we recognize the importance and value of our journey, we have made a conscious effort not to forget. People who are struggling with infertility or are interested in adoption often cross our paths. After bringing Liam home from the hospital, Billy shared that one of our nurses told him that she and her husband had just underwent another unsuccessful treatment cycle and were considering adoption. She asked him what agency we went through and a few questions about the process. Family and friends know that we welcome having people referred to us. We want people who are dealing with infertility to know that they are not alone. We want to show them God's love. Feelings of loss, abandonment by God, jealousy, lack of peace, disappointment, and the whole gamete of emotions one feels on the rollercoaster of infertility put such a strain on a couple. There's nothing like having someone come along side of you to say,"I know how you feel-I've been there. I'll listen. I'll support. I'll advise. You tell me what you need, when you need it."
We were fortunate to have those support people in our lives. Some of them were infertility survivors. However, we were surprised that not every infertility survivor does this. There are those who seem to forget their struggle. It seems to happen most with some couples who are blessed with biological children. Maybe the struggle was too great for them to rehash. Maybe life had become too busy.Or, maybe they felt that it was too painful for a childless couple to be around their newly expanded family. I'm not judging by any means, and this is not directed to anyone. We have known LOTS of couples directly and indirectly who have struggled with infertility, and to our knowledge, there has been a small percentage who don't reach out to those still struggling. As a Christian, I believe that we go through struggles so that we can help others. However, that's my opinion.
All that said, I want to pose a challenge for those infertility survivors who are on the other side of the journey (who have either had biological children or have decided to remain a family of two): please never forget! If you see a someone/couple struggling with infertility, reach out your hand of support. What you have is invaluable-you can relate! Don't you remember how you felt when you discovered that in an individual, when you were hurting?
God, please help us to be sensitive to the needs of others. Help us to intentionally look for those who need your love and support. Please give us the knowledge and strength to get out of our comfort zone. Thank you for loving us and never abandoning us. Help us to show that love. In Jesus' name.
"We Will Never Forget!"
Some people think that our infertility journey is over because we adopted. When in fact, it really isn't. We still deal with the consequences of our decisions made during the journey. We still deal with insensitive comments made by people. We still wonder how we are going to add to our family in a couple of years, but mostly with great anticipation. Liam is a beautiful miracle, a conclusion to a series of amazingly choreographed events.
Because we recognize the importance and value of our journey, we have made a conscious effort not to forget. People who are struggling with infertility or are interested in adoption often cross our paths. After bringing Liam home from the hospital, Billy shared that one of our nurses told him that she and her husband had just underwent another unsuccessful treatment cycle and were considering adoption. She asked him what agency we went through and a few questions about the process. Family and friends know that we welcome having people referred to us. We want people who are dealing with infertility to know that they are not alone. We want to show them God's love. Feelings of loss, abandonment by God, jealousy, lack of peace, disappointment, and the whole gamete of emotions one feels on the rollercoaster of infertility put such a strain on a couple. There's nothing like having someone come along side of you to say,"I know how you feel-I've been there. I'll listen. I'll support. I'll advise. You tell me what you need, when you need it."
We were fortunate to have those support people in our lives. Some of them were infertility survivors. However, we were surprised that not every infertility survivor does this. There are those who seem to forget their struggle. It seems to happen most with some couples who are blessed with biological children. Maybe the struggle was too great for them to rehash. Maybe life had become too busy.Or, maybe they felt that it was too painful for a childless couple to be around their newly expanded family. I'm not judging by any means, and this is not directed to anyone. We have known LOTS of couples directly and indirectly who have struggled with infertility, and to our knowledge, there has been a small percentage who don't reach out to those still struggling. As a Christian, I believe that we go through struggles so that we can help others. However, that's my opinion.
All that said, I want to pose a challenge for those infertility survivors who are on the other side of the journey (who have either had biological children or have decided to remain a family of two): please never forget! If you see a someone/couple struggling with infertility, reach out your hand of support. What you have is invaluable-you can relate! Don't you remember how you felt when you discovered that in an individual, when you were hurting?
God, please help us to be sensitive to the needs of others. Help us to intentionally look for those who need your love and support. Please give us the knowledge and strength to get out of our comfort zone. Thank you for loving us and never abandoning us. Help us to show that love. In Jesus' name.
"We Will Never Forget!"
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Liam's first year-God's Faithfulness
I can't believe I'm finally getting on here-after a very long hiatus! I have so much to share about this year with Liam, and what God has been teaching our family of three lately. Some of what I'm about to share, may be a little shocking. Some may consider a bit personal. After our nearly 10 year journey to achieve a family, dealing with doctors, treatments, support groups, and life in general, almost nothing seems too personal anymore lol. As mentioned before, I/we do reserve the right at this time not to discuss in detail our previous treatments and various aspects of our open adoption. My hope is that anyone who stumbles upon this blog will glean the following: an empathy for couples dealing with infertility, and a deeper understanding/appreciation of the gift of adoption; (on a spiritiual level) God has a unique adventure/plan for your life, and it's greater than your wildest dreams; in the process, He will allow uncomfortable circumstances to grow us-the goal to become more like Him! No matter how challenging, never, never give up!
Everyone has a degree of stick to itness. Sometimes we stick to or hold on to unhealthy habits. I've blogged before about my battle with anxiety. This year was jam packed with worrisome scenarios. It's natural to worry about the health of your newborn, the transition back to work, etc., but when intense situations occur that are completely out of one's control, things are bumped up a notch on the worry-meter! During the first couple of months of the school year, there were some major concerns regarding Billy's health. For months, he had been smelling cigarette smoke when it wasn't there (phantom smells), and he finally went to the doctor. Our primary care told him there was a chance that he had a tumor in his brain or on his olifactory nerve in his nose. After seeing a specialist, having an MRI done, and awaiting results, we finally learned that it was sinus infection and not a tumor causing this strange symptom. For months, I had worried about Billy, had insomnia, and cried holding Liam. I was convinced that we would be getting ready for brain surgery-I'm not kidding, this consumed me! I prayed about it fervently, consistently. It wasn't until the tumor was ruled out, and Billy's sinus surgery was over in October that I started to relax. Temporarily.
In December, Liam developed two awful looking boils. One on his groin area, and another on his chest. Two doctors confirmed that they felt the boil on his chest was MRSA, and treated him accordingly. We have no idea how Liam contracted MRSA, but we were informed that it is much more prevalent than most people think. My germaphobia kicked into high gear. We washed clothes in warm water, sprayed Lysol like it was going out of style, washed towels after one use, and began bathing him in Hibicleanse. I washed my hands until they cracked. Biting my nails, an already disgusting habit of mine, became even more disgusting. Thank God Liam recovered at home with the prescribed antibiotics in time to enjoy the holidays, and he hasn't had a reoccurance.
In January, we were blessed with the move of my parents from Redding to Chico. Mom has watched Liam half of the week, and it has been amazing to have my parents in the same neighborhood literally! They have been a huge support as each bump in the road has happened. I thank God everyday for it, and the consistent reminder of how they raised me. Despite the anxiety and stress, the truths of my youth play as a recording in my head-"He will never leave you nor forsake you." "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." They have been words of comfort through this whole year as well as our most recent trial.
Shortly after Liam was born, I began experiencing some very strange symptoms. I chocked it up to minimal sleep, stress, and my system being out of wack since my treatment days. I put it on the back burner with all that was going on, and when a few more symptoms were added into the mix recently, I knew that I shouldn't ignore it anymore. I was very convinced that something very serious, and life threatening was looming. Last Thursday, my doctor spent an hour and half with Billy and me, and did an ultrasound. I was happy to learn that I am going to be okay. The harsh reality is that I'm undergoing some hormonal changes that I would like to think that I was too young to experience, but alas, I'm not lol. I've been giving a prescription and advice to embetter the quality of my life. We will see if I'll be back to normal as my doctor promised-I think I'm beyond that!
In light of this change, I'm not sure where this leaves us with our family planning. Billy and I would like to extend our family in the not too distant future. If it happened through a natural pregnancy, we would not only be thrilled but it is becoming more and more apparent that that would truly be a miracle. God's still in the miracle making business, so we aren't writing that off! We have talked about adopting again. We have such great respect for our birthmother, and we both feel we could never thank her enough for the blessing of Liam. She moved out of state, across the country back in April. Prior to her move, we had a visitation. We assured her that we would continue to provide pictures quarterly, and we would keep in touch. We haven't heard from her since her move. I really hope she's getting acclimated to things, and that she knows in her heart that Liam is treasured, loved, and well cared for.
When I think about how the adoption of Liam came about, I get excited. I know that He's put the desire for more children in mine and Billy's hearts, and someday it will come to fruition. I know that even though things may seem stagnate now, there's a chance that He's moving people and scenarios behind the scenes. I'm hopeful that more blessings are in store. That makes the waiting room of life a little more bearable.
***New 6/19/2012 Below is a link for an Inferility survey. The purpose of the survey is to provide me with useful information for a very unique, innovative book that I am hoping to write on the subject matter. The survey is confidential, and you can skip any questions. After taking the survey, please post a link on your FB to "Liam's first year-God's Faithfulness." Include with it the little descripion that I've posted here (feel free to include my name), and strongly encourage your friends to help me out. I think people who don't know me may be interested in the survey, especially if they know it's research for a book, that it's confidential, and questions can be skipped. Thank you all for your support!
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/N3QNW6H
Everyone has a degree of stick to itness. Sometimes we stick to or hold on to unhealthy habits. I've blogged before about my battle with anxiety. This year was jam packed with worrisome scenarios. It's natural to worry about the health of your newborn, the transition back to work, etc., but when intense situations occur that are completely out of one's control, things are bumped up a notch on the worry-meter! During the first couple of months of the school year, there were some major concerns regarding Billy's health. For months, he had been smelling cigarette smoke when it wasn't there (phantom smells), and he finally went to the doctor. Our primary care told him there was a chance that he had a tumor in his brain or on his olifactory nerve in his nose. After seeing a specialist, having an MRI done, and awaiting results, we finally learned that it was sinus infection and not a tumor causing this strange symptom. For months, I had worried about Billy, had insomnia, and cried holding Liam. I was convinced that we would be getting ready for brain surgery-I'm not kidding, this consumed me! I prayed about it fervently, consistently. It wasn't until the tumor was ruled out, and Billy's sinus surgery was over in October that I started to relax. Temporarily.
In December, Liam developed two awful looking boils. One on his groin area, and another on his chest. Two doctors confirmed that they felt the boil on his chest was MRSA, and treated him accordingly. We have no idea how Liam contracted MRSA, but we were informed that it is much more prevalent than most people think. My germaphobia kicked into high gear. We washed clothes in warm water, sprayed Lysol like it was going out of style, washed towels after one use, and began bathing him in Hibicleanse. I washed my hands until they cracked. Biting my nails, an already disgusting habit of mine, became even more disgusting. Thank God Liam recovered at home with the prescribed antibiotics in time to enjoy the holidays, and he hasn't had a reoccurance.
In January, we were blessed with the move of my parents from Redding to Chico. Mom has watched Liam half of the week, and it has been amazing to have my parents in the same neighborhood literally! They have been a huge support as each bump in the road has happened. I thank God everyday for it, and the consistent reminder of how they raised me. Despite the anxiety and stress, the truths of my youth play as a recording in my head-"He will never leave you nor forsake you." "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." They have been words of comfort through this whole year as well as our most recent trial.
Shortly after Liam was born, I began experiencing some very strange symptoms. I chocked it up to minimal sleep, stress, and my system being out of wack since my treatment days. I put it on the back burner with all that was going on, and when a few more symptoms were added into the mix recently, I knew that I shouldn't ignore it anymore. I was very convinced that something very serious, and life threatening was looming. Last Thursday, my doctor spent an hour and half with Billy and me, and did an ultrasound. I was happy to learn that I am going to be okay. The harsh reality is that I'm undergoing some hormonal changes that I would like to think that I was too young to experience, but alas, I'm not lol. I've been giving a prescription and advice to embetter the quality of my life. We will see if I'll be back to normal as my doctor promised-I think I'm beyond that!
In light of this change, I'm not sure where this leaves us with our family planning. Billy and I would like to extend our family in the not too distant future. If it happened through a natural pregnancy, we would not only be thrilled but it is becoming more and more apparent that that would truly be a miracle. God's still in the miracle making business, so we aren't writing that off! We have talked about adopting again. We have such great respect for our birthmother, and we both feel we could never thank her enough for the blessing of Liam. She moved out of state, across the country back in April. Prior to her move, we had a visitation. We assured her that we would continue to provide pictures quarterly, and we would keep in touch. We haven't heard from her since her move. I really hope she's getting acclimated to things, and that she knows in her heart that Liam is treasured, loved, and well cared for.
When I think about how the adoption of Liam came about, I get excited. I know that He's put the desire for more children in mine and Billy's hearts, and someday it will come to fruition. I know that even though things may seem stagnate now, there's a chance that He's moving people and scenarios behind the scenes. I'm hopeful that more blessings are in store. That makes the waiting room of life a little more bearable.
***New 6/19/2012 Below is a link for an Inferility survey. The purpose of the survey is to provide me with useful information for a very unique, innovative book that I am hoping to write on the subject matter. The survey is confidential, and you can skip any questions. After taking the survey, please post a link on your FB to "Liam's first year-God's Faithfulness." Include with it the little descripion that I've posted here (feel free to include my name), and strongly encourage your friends to help me out. I think people who don't know me may be interested in the survey, especially if they know it's research for a book, that it's confidential, and questions can be skipped. Thank you all for your support!
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/N3QNW6H
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Three month update
I cannot believe that I haven't blogged since June. I am having withdrawals lol! I thought I would give an overview of my perspective of how we are adjusting-myself, Liam, and Billy and I as a couple :).
Me: I really couldn't be happier! I can't believe how perfect Liam is for us! As a person who hasn't been around a lot of babies, I have tried to glean from friends, family, and online (which can be dangerous), books etc. what I need to know to be the best mom for Liam. As horrible as it seems, I kind of let my prayer life go on the back burner. I think the pure joy and relief of having our deepest desire and prayer request answered made me feel like-every little need I have now seems trivial. But, at one point when I was concerned about Liam a couple of weeks ago, I realized that a Mother needs to pray! And, obviously as with any relationship, we as Christians need to make time and work at being intimate with God. I had also noticed that I was allowing some old bad habits to slide back into my daily routines, so I am really trying to be better! Additionally, we are still needing to figure things out with me going back to work in a few weeks. I do have a peace that God will continue to coordinate all the details just as He did when bringing Liam into our lives.
Liam: is 3 and 1/2 months old, 16 lbs, and 25 inches long-a BIG boy! He started rolling from back to tummy when he wasn 't even 3 months old. A few days ago, he rolled tummy to back, which is much harder! When he rolls over, he pushes up somewhat, not all the way. He has also begun scooting! I can't believe how far he can go in a short amount of time. Because he seems to be doing things early, we are convinced that he will crawl, walk, and talk early too! In fact, several family members, have witnessed him saying "mama," and Billy was teaching him how to say "hi" last weekend. He went back and forth with him about four times-with him saying "hi!" NO JOKE! I'm not saying he's a genius, but we have been amazed! As for his tummy, he is feeling SO much better! We changed him from Soy to a tummy sensitive, milk based formula, and he has adjusted well. As for sleep, Liam is sleeping 7+ hrs at a time, but he is still waking up early in the a.m. for a feeding, which Billy graciously does every day! We had our third and final visitation of this year with his birth mother yesterday, prior to her moving to Florida. We also have a peace about this. She will continue to remain in contact, but the move will give her a chance to be surrounded by family and to have a fresh start.
Billy and me: We love our small family! We took Liam to church for the first time, and I'm so glad to be returning to that routine! He did quite well; however, Billy did have to take him out to the foyer when he started babbling and yawned loud at the end of the sermon lol! A week from last Sunday, we celebrated our 12th anniversary! My Grandma came over to watch Liam, so we could go to dinner! Our first date in 3 months! We plan to be better about that. In fact, my hope, is that we get to take the boat out together at least one time this summer before I start back in a few weeks...
Finally, so of the most exciting news we have to share: my aunt helped my parents find a house in Chico! It is literally around the corner from us! They are in the process of buying it, and God willing, plan to move in October or November! We are praying that their house in Redding sells soon.
As mentioned earlier, I couldn't be happier. I haven't felt this burden-free in years. I'm not saying everything is perfect. We still have a few things to figure out, but everyday we thank God for bringing Liam into our lives. This has really helped increase my faith and trust in His plan for our lives, and it has given me a deeper understanding of His love for us and His desire to bless us.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Summary of Our Journey
Since there are some people who may not be aware of our latest regarding our adoption of Liam, I'm posting a summary of our journey. It is a little on the long side (sorry in advance), but I hope that it touches people's hearts and that people will see God's faithfulness and goodness. This was read at our baby shower last weekend:
I can't tell you what it means to me and my family that you are here to celebrate the addition of Liam. All babies are a special blessing, and each has their own unique story. I believe, though I am especially partial, that Liam's story was a time sensitive, coordinate miracle, with lots of twists and turns. I felt that if I didn't tell the story, that I wouldn't be honoring the one who I believe worked out all of the details. Since Billy and I are the ones who experienced it, I was told that it would be best coming from one of us-so to make it a little easier, I'll be reading Liam's story...
As all of you know, Billy and I wanted to have a family for about nine years prior to Liam's arrival. After lots of doctors, meds, treatments, along with the physical, emotional, and spiritual drain of infertility, we both decided to move forward with open adoption. We had spent lots of time praying, researching, and I had even spoken considerably to one of my cousins who was adopted. We were referred to a local adoption facilitator who one of Billy's co-workers adopted through. We entered the adoption program in September of last year. We compiled a profile of our life and completed lots of paperwork, and submitted it, praying that a birth mom would select us soon-after all, we had been waiting for so long already. In order to cope with the wait, I began to blog, which has been extremely therapeutic.
At the end of February, we were feeling discouraged that we had not gotten any "bites" on our profile. We had been in the program for 6 months, so we met with our adoption facilitator, Mari. She explained that there weren't many potential birthmothers entering the program, so we would have to wait a bit longer. However, about two and a half weeks later, on my granmother's birthday (something we will always remember), Mari called Billy to tell him that a birthmother, who was due in a mont, had picked us! Within a week, we met face to face with her, which was mediated by Mari. Though we were nervous, the meeting went exceptionally well. Even Mari was amazed by the funny little commonalities we had with our birthmother-she sings (we both sing), she dances (Billy dances), and she lived in Oroville for much of her growing us years (where Billy is from),a nd most all, we share the same faith! Prior to our meeting, I had prayed that if this was the right birthmother, that God would provide some kind of confirmation. I planned to ask her why she chose us. I hoped that she would answer that it was due to our shared faith. She I asked her, that was exactly what she said!
However, even after that, we had our doubts. It didn't seem possible that this could be our time. I feel that God used some special friends of ours to encourage us to take the leap and to follow through with the match-they believed that this was an answer to our prayers. After choosing to move forward, I was especially amazed by how quickly all the details worked out. Since it was the end of the school year, I decided to go on leave from my teaching job at Willows High. I knew it would be ideal to have that time and the summer to bond with Liam (, the name we had chosen because it is derived from Billy's name, William). A week after choosing to move forward, my student teacher completed her student teaching. She was an obvious choice for a longterm sub since she knew my students and was trained. Ironically, I had never been presented the opportunity to have a student teacher prior to this school year!)
As Liam's due date drew near, we rushed to get baby necessities and the nursery set up. I prepared my students for my pending departure, we worked on adoption paperwork, and we waited. One day we received a call that our birthmom was in labor only to find out that it was false labor. A week after Liam's due date, he still hadn't arrived, so the doctor decided to induce.Billy and I made a short trip up to Feather River Hospital, and kept our birthmother company. The drug was administered, and we waited for contractions. That evening, we were awakened by the doctor who informed us that things weren't progressing as he had hoped, and that he would be doing an emergency c-section. We prayed together and hoped for the best. Liam was born on April 18 at 11:45 p.m. He shares the same birthday as two of my cousins, Katie and Greg, and of our good friend Kathy's daughter, Cole. So he is in great company!
The next day, family visited us. Our birthmom share Liam with us, and she graciously told Billy that she was willing to meet any of our family members. Earlier in the day, I had "met" her mom and sister over the phone-an amazing thing!) My mom and one of my aunts met our birthmom, and it was a very special opportunity for them to thank her for helping us to achieve our dreams and to recognize her for the brave choice to provide Liam with an adoptive life.
Prior to leaving the hospital, our birthmom asked the hospital chaplin whether she would pray a blessing over Liam. Just before prayer, the chaplin told us that she and her husband have desired to have a family for years, and that she hoped someday they would be blessed through adoption just as we have been. Her payer was absolutely beautiful-just as I would imagine Liam's church dedication might be. As you can imagine, our birthmom, Billy, and I were all in tears by the end. In order to help with the separation, it is advised that the adoptive parents and birthparents leave the hospital at the same time. That is exactly what we did. The ride home and pretty much the last two months have seemed so surreal!
When we arrived home that night, Billy told me that he had spoken to one of Liam's nurses, and she asked him to what extent we had tried to have a family. They swapped infertility stories, and the nurse said she and her husband will most likely adopt. As I think about the chaplin and the nurse, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact our experience will have on them. I wish I could know! It has been quite a journey to become a family of 3, and through it I've related to and drawn strength from a few scripture references. The one that I feel best captures the tone of our journey's culmination is: Ephesians 3:20: "Now all glory to God who is able through His mighty powerat work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." The blessing of Liam has exceeded what Billy and I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to God, and so grateful for the love, support, prayers, and words of encouragement we have received from all of you, our family and friends.
I can't tell you what it means to me and my family that you are here to celebrate the addition of Liam. All babies are a special blessing, and each has their own unique story. I believe, though I am especially partial, that Liam's story was a time sensitive, coordinate miracle, with lots of twists and turns. I felt that if I didn't tell the story, that I wouldn't be honoring the one who I believe worked out all of the details. Since Billy and I are the ones who experienced it, I was told that it would be best coming from one of us-so to make it a little easier, I'll be reading Liam's story...
As all of you know, Billy and I wanted to have a family for about nine years prior to Liam's arrival. After lots of doctors, meds, treatments, along with the physical, emotional, and spiritual drain of infertility, we both decided to move forward with open adoption. We had spent lots of time praying, researching, and I had even spoken considerably to one of my cousins who was adopted. We were referred to a local adoption facilitator who one of Billy's co-workers adopted through. We entered the adoption program in September of last year. We compiled a profile of our life and completed lots of paperwork, and submitted it, praying that a birth mom would select us soon-after all, we had been waiting for so long already. In order to cope with the wait, I began to blog, which has been extremely therapeutic.
At the end of February, we were feeling discouraged that we had not gotten any "bites" on our profile. We had been in the program for 6 months, so we met with our adoption facilitator, Mari. She explained that there weren't many potential birthmothers entering the program, so we would have to wait a bit longer. However, about two and a half weeks later, on my granmother's birthday (something we will always remember), Mari called Billy to tell him that a birthmother, who was due in a mont, had picked us! Within a week, we met face to face with her, which was mediated by Mari. Though we were nervous, the meeting went exceptionally well. Even Mari was amazed by the funny little commonalities we had with our birthmother-she sings (we both sing), she dances (Billy dances), and she lived in Oroville for much of her growing us years (where Billy is from),a nd most all, we share the same faith! Prior to our meeting, I had prayed that if this was the right birthmother, that God would provide some kind of confirmation. I planned to ask her why she chose us. I hoped that she would answer that it was due to our shared faith. She I asked her, that was exactly what she said!
However, even after that, we had our doubts. It didn't seem possible that this could be our time. I feel that God used some special friends of ours to encourage us to take the leap and to follow through with the match-they believed that this was an answer to our prayers. After choosing to move forward, I was especially amazed by how quickly all the details worked out. Since it was the end of the school year, I decided to go on leave from my teaching job at Willows High. I knew it would be ideal to have that time and the summer to bond with Liam (, the name we had chosen because it is derived from Billy's name, William). A week after choosing to move forward, my student teacher completed her student teaching. She was an obvious choice for a longterm sub since she knew my students and was trained. Ironically, I had never been presented the opportunity to have a student teacher prior to this school year!)
As Liam's due date drew near, we rushed to get baby necessities and the nursery set up. I prepared my students for my pending departure, we worked on adoption paperwork, and we waited. One day we received a call that our birthmom was in labor only to find out that it was false labor. A week after Liam's due date, he still hadn't arrived, so the doctor decided to induce.Billy and I made a short trip up to Feather River Hospital, and kept our birthmother company. The drug was administered, and we waited for contractions. That evening, we were awakened by the doctor who informed us that things weren't progressing as he had hoped, and that he would be doing an emergency c-section. We prayed together and hoped for the best. Liam was born on April 18 at 11:45 p.m. He shares the same birthday as two of my cousins, Katie and Greg, and of our good friend Kathy's daughter, Cole. So he is in great company!
The next day, family visited us. Our birthmom share Liam with us, and she graciously told Billy that she was willing to meet any of our family members. Earlier in the day, I had "met" her mom and sister over the phone-an amazing thing!) My mom and one of my aunts met our birthmom, and it was a very special opportunity for them to thank her for helping us to achieve our dreams and to recognize her for the brave choice to provide Liam with an adoptive life.
Prior to leaving the hospital, our birthmom asked the hospital chaplin whether she would pray a blessing over Liam. Just before prayer, the chaplin told us that she and her husband have desired to have a family for years, and that she hoped someday they would be blessed through adoption just as we have been. Her payer was absolutely beautiful-just as I would imagine Liam's church dedication might be. As you can imagine, our birthmom, Billy, and I were all in tears by the end. In order to help with the separation, it is advised that the adoptive parents and birthparents leave the hospital at the same time. That is exactly what we did. The ride home and pretty much the last two months have seemed so surreal!
When we arrived home that night, Billy told me that he had spoken to one of Liam's nurses, and she asked him to what extent we had tried to have a family. They swapped infertility stories, and the nurse said she and her husband will most likely adopt. As I think about the chaplin and the nurse, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact our experience will have on them. I wish I could know! It has been quite a journey to become a family of 3, and through it I've related to and drawn strength from a few scripture references. The one that I feel best captures the tone of our journey's culmination is: Ephesians 3:20: "Now all glory to God who is able through His mighty powerat work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." The blessing of Liam has exceeded what Billy and I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to God, and so grateful for the love, support, prayers, and words of encouragement we have received from all of you, our family and friends.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
6 Weeks-Sweet Release!
On Memorial Day, Liam turned 6 weeks "old." I can tell from looking at him that he has definitely grown! He appears so much taller, and he is now over 10 lbs. (Especially amazing since he was under 7 lbs when he was born!) His eyes are still a dark blue, but I don't think they will turn brown-maybe hazel or green. I'm routing for green-Billy's eyes are green :). He started cooing about a week and a half ago, and he is now able to coo in response. We have had so much fun talking with him-making these really, strange guttural sounds and having him return a variation of them. We try to grab the video camera in time, but we always miss the $10,000 AFV worthy clips. He is also grabbing things A LOT-the burp cloth on my shoulder, the bottle as I'm feeding him, my hair lol. He is also a morning baby-nearly every morning as we peer over the edge of the bassinet, he gives us the biggest, gummiest smile :). As for his tummy problems, they still linger but his attacks do not seem as frequent. We are going to schedule an appointment this week because we do not like the med he is on, and we are questioning the diagnosis of a spastic colon since testing was never conducted. Plus, so much of his pain seems gas related. He is developing the cutest personality and his father's sense of humor. He laughs a lot!
Our pediatrician told us we could take him out and about at 6 weeks. Sweet release! Some have asked me if I get out much. I wonder what gave it away that I have been a hermit-my sweat clothes, glasses wearing instead of contacts, or my lack of make up lol (?) The cabin fever was really starting to get to me because on average I was only getting out about once a week on the weekends when I ran errands. I have had several people offer to watch Liam so that I could get out, but since he can be a little more high maintenance due to his tummy problems, I've hesitated. Today I plan to take him to my high school in Willows. It will not be a pass the baby around event but more of a "show and tell" with Germ X :).
I'm excited to get out more and to introduce people to my beautiful son! I haven't even gotten to say that I'm a "mom" or that I have a "son" all that much. There's still so many of my friends and family that haven't had a chance to meet him. We have lots of fun ahead of us!
Our pediatrician told us we could take him out and about at 6 weeks. Sweet release! Some have asked me if I get out much. I wonder what gave it away that I have been a hermit-my sweat clothes, glasses wearing instead of contacts, or my lack of make up lol (?) The cabin fever was really starting to get to me because on average I was only getting out about once a week on the weekends when I ran errands. I have had several people offer to watch Liam so that I could get out, but since he can be a little more high maintenance due to his tummy problems, I've hesitated. Today I plan to take him to my high school in Willows. It will not be a pass the baby around event but more of a "show and tell" with Germ X :).
I'm excited to get out more and to introduce people to my beautiful son! I haven't even gotten to say that I'm a "mom" or that I have a "son" all that much. There's still so many of my friends and family that haven't had a chance to meet him. We have lots of fun ahead of us!
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