"How Do You Do It?"

It's Christmas Vacation, and I am sitting at my computer typing away at 6:20 a.m. I woke up a bit ago with something pretty deep on my mind. Try as I could, I tossed and turned, unable to return to the land of jumping sheep and happy places. Finally, I gave up the tug of war. I allowed myself to ponder the deep thought that awoke me: "how do I do it?" I have been asked this question numerous times over the years of our eight year struggle to have a family. As I thought through each coping strategy, tears welled up in my eyes. At this point, I knew God wanted me up this morning writing. Maybe this blog is meant to be therapeutic for me. Maybe there's a strategy that I haven't used in a while that I need to implement. There's also a possibility that my blog may somehow encourage someone going through a difficult time, possibly infertility. The latter reason was what got me out of bed. The following list can be appropriately entitled "How Heather Does It: facing Infertility and Other Disappointments."

1. All things are possible with God. Handsdown the only way that I have been able to get through, infertility, loss, and other stressful, life altering events is through my faith in God. I am always reminded that God will never give us more than we can handle. I use to think, "Wow, God really thinks I'm a strong person. Otherwise He wouldn't have allowed me to go through infertility, loss, etc." In those moments I was tempted to become a little proud. Now I realize that He doesn't give us more than we can handle when we rely completely on Him. Surrendering to God is the key. Is it easy? No, do I still struggle with it? Yes, all the time! I think one of the best literary pieces that expresses this concept is the Footprints poem. Remember how there was just one set of footprints in the end? It's not because God got out of Dodge because the going was tough. He carries us through the difficult times! He wants to keep doing that for us!

2. "Talk to me". I think God feels that way about us. He wants us to talk to Him. He sees us fretting about situations, and instead of reopening the lines of communication with Him, we talk to others. (Not that God doesn't want us to do that too, but He should be our preference, the first person we go to in times of trouble.) During our struggle, I have been so angry with God that I had no desire to talk to Him. I was so hurt over unanswered prayer. As Christians, we cannot allow these feelings to fester and to develop a pattern in our life. It can ruin our relationship with God! I know; I've been there! I cannot encourage you enough that if you're there, you need to try to mend the relationship! How can that be done? I can only tell you what has worked for me. When too broken to pray, I journaled prayers to God. Somehow that was easier than speaking them. That helped re-open the lines of communication on my end. Then I would read the Bible and listen to sermons in order to hear what God had to say to me. Lastly, I allowed myself to be in a quiet place free from tv, people, and other distractions to reflect upon what I had read or heard. Sometimes God's voice is a quiet one (remember the story of Elijah?), so it's important to be quiet and listen for Him.



3. I chose wisely eleven years ago. I cannot state and reiterate enough the importance of choosing a spouse. In Billy I have found someone who is my partner (sometimes in crime-ha, just kidding), my best friend, a comforter, and a pep talker! If you know him, he is a cup- is- half full- type of guy. If you know me, you realize he is my polar opposite. I cannot imagine life being married to anyone else, or someone resembling myself-I would be in jail for murder lol!. Seriously, God knew what He was doing when he matched us up. As corny as it sounds, he completes me. My realism and his optimism somehow "works."


4. My peeps are the tops. It has also helped me tremendously to have the loving support of family and friends. The love of my family has been unconditional. I know that this struggle has been hard on every family member on some level-particularly on my parents and especially on my mom. If you know my mom, she is the ideal mom. Some of my friends joked that she was like June Cleaver. She always knew exactly what to say to make things better. However, dealing with our infertility has not been easy for her. Mom and I are so much a like, but in this one area of my life, there's no way she (or anyone else who hasn't experienced infertility first hand) can truly empathize. I use to get so mad when people said the wrong thing or made me feel uncomfortable, including the people closest to me! It would hurt me to the core, and I would tell my mom about it. She would sympathize, but she always reminded me of the importance of grace. In addition, I have been incredibly blessed to have many dear friends along with me during this journey. Some are old friends, though we are separated by miles, they make their presence known by shooting me an email or writing on my FB wall. Some are local-how I treasure their weekly coffee trips and shopping excursions! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my friends and family!

5. Bend the ear of a trained professional. Sometimes you need to talk someone who is separated from the situation. That was the case back in April, when I was going through a particularly difficult time in our journey. I knew that I needed to do something pro-active, and we began the search for a counselor for me. Some of you may wonder if I ended up with a Christian counselor. We selected a counselor from the list of preferred providers from our insurance, and to my knowledge, my counselor was not a Christian. However, God used her tremendously! She spent a considerable amount of time getting to know me, and immediately keyed in on the importance of God in my life and my recent difficulties communicating with Billy. She offered me Biblically sound advice the four times I saw her. For example, she told me to journal prayers to God if I couldn't speak them. She encouraged me not to shy away from social situations, to begin attending church again-even to get involved in a Bible study! Lastly, she encouraged me to be open with Billy regardless of the emotion I was feeling. I know that I took a risk seeing a non-Christian counselor at an especially vulnerable time in my Christian walk, and I'm not sure that I would recommend it. However, thank God it worked for me! That along with taking a mallet to our sitting room wall were extremely therapeutic measures that I took!

6. Laughter is (one of) the best medicine(s). Everyone needs to escape from the routine and trials of life at some point. I try to escape whenever my schedule allows me. I love to read, to shop, and to watch a good sitcom or comedic film. I am not one who likes to watch horror or action films. Give me a good romantic comedy; Billy is such a good sport. He knows when I am overdue for a good laugh. In fact, if the laugh can't be provided by Hollywood, he will find some creative way to make me laugh. Whether he answers the phone with a fake accent, dances down the aisle at Wallmart, or tries to tickle my feet. He is my personal clown, and life with him is fun and always a breath of fresh air!

I hope that my list is not too obnoxious. I am not saying that I've figured it all out or that I have all the answers in regards to dealing with infertility or other life disappointments. I can only share what has worked for me. One last thought: remember the saying,"this too shall pass"? That has also helped me during our eight year journey. I believe in my heart that there will come a time, hopefully in the not too distant future, that our home will be filled with the sound of baby laughs and filled with the aroma of poopy diapers. Not that I'm looking forward to the diapers, but I am trying to mentally prepare for them lol... I hope that you find some encouragement in my writings.

"Everything's Beautiful"

During the holidays, we tend to be a bit more introspective. When Thanksgiving rolls around, we wonder how the year could have passed us by so quickly. The empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner tends to remind us of loved ones that we have lost. I have been thinking about my grandfather Louie so much lately. He had an expression that was his second most common catch phrase: "Everything's Beautiful."

There were times when he asked "Is Everything Beautiful?," and I was tempted to give him a grocery list of reasons why it wasn't. I came so close to saying something like, "Actually, Grandpa, I'm pretty stressed out. Life is crazy. I'm not sure I can keep the plates spinning. I don't know if we'll ever have kids. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get pregnant..." There was always something that stopped me from my rant. Deep down I knew that I am blessed: God loves me despite my faults, I have a wonderful, loving husband (who has the patience of Job), I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends, and I have my health (though I'm often convinced that I don't. A little hypochondria humor).





The holidays are still a struggle for me. Each year I hope and I pray that this is our last childless Christmas. There is such a temptation to resort to a pity party. Instead of falling into that pit, I am trying to focus on what I have to be thankful for instead of what I do not have. That is the key to being content. Life does seem more beautiful when you are content. When I am alone, I try not to think about how lonely I may feel or how disappointed I am that our spare bedrooms aren't filled to the brim with kiddos. I am trying to appreciate the quiet moments I have to reflect upon my day and to talk to God. As I snuggle into my recliner with a cup of peppermint tea, away from the craziness of the holiday season, I am overcome with the feeling that "everything's beautiful." By the way, my grandpa's primary catch phrase was "Christ Is the Answer." My Grandpa Louie was a very wise man.

Infertility: a closeted disease?

I HIGHLY recommend an article that I just discovered in the archives of msn.com entitled "Many Couples Struggle with Infertility in Silence." It is lengthy, but it covers most aspects of infertility incredibly well: infertility statistics; emotional impact (including social); the negative stigma associated with being infertile; the roller coaster of fertility treatments; and even delves into the political arena. The article describes infertility as a "closeted disease," comparing it to breast cancer during the 1970's. The reason for this comparison: couples struggling with infertility suffer in silence, which has even impacted the amount of scientific research that is being conducted! This is a must read for everyone, but especially if you have someone in your life struggling with infertility. Here's the link:

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38311820/ns/health-women_health

If for some reason you cannot open the link from my blog, the link appears on my FB wall. I have recommended reading the article, so the link is on my wall.

National Adoption Day!

Today, November 20th, is National Adoption Day. Two weeks ago, I had no idea that such a day existed. However, now that we have taken the "adoption route," this day has great significance for us. In fact, adoption has changed the way we think about our journey (to extend our family) and life in general.

Prior to choosing adoption, the focus was on the physical-things we could see. When you're trying to get pregnant, it's all about physical signs of ovulating, charting, and eventually the dreaded pregnancy test. When it comes to the adoption process, it's all about what is going on behind the scenes. For example, a prospective mom could call our adoption facilitator and be matched to us-any day! Billy and I talk often about how many times in a day we think about receiving that coveted phone call with news that we've been matched....probably at least 7-10 times a day and certainly everytime the phone rings! The adoption process is stretching our faith like no other situation we have experienced. We constantly remind ourselves that God is moving people and situations behind the scenes, and He has our best interest at heart. Despite that excitement and anxiousness, we do have peace.

Another perspective that has changed is our understanding of one's acceptance into God's family. Throughout my Christian walk, I have been aware that once one accepts Christ, one becomes a son or daughter of God. However, I never thought of comparing it to adoption. In fact, when we become a child of God, we become joint heirs with Christ! Romans 8:14 states, "For as many are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of ADOPTION by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs of Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." Adoption is a process that God initiated with mankind, and it should not be considered second best.

On this National Adoption Day, maybe you have never experienced the process in an earthly sense. However, if you are a believer in Christ, you have experienced it in a heavenly/spiritual sense. May all of us take time to reflect upon the gift of salvation and the adoption process today!

What do you think?

In last month's Reader's Digest, a woman wrote a letter to Jeanne Marie Laskas (of Ask Laskas, which is like an etiquette column) asking for her opinion regarding this situation: a lady at her church constantly singles out one of her sons as being adopted. For example, she would say things like "my adopted son likes blah blah blah..." This really bothered the letter writer who explained that such comments could cause the child to develop insecurities. I can understand the letter writer's perspective. It is unnecessary for this woman to draw such attention to her adoptive son, but I couldn't help but wonder...

Why does this woman single out her adoptive son? Does she feel it is misleading not to acknowledge to others her son is adopted and not her biological son? Or, does she want some kind of recognition for adopting. OR? What could possible be other reasons for her behavior?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much information should be shared with others regarding our adoption. Over the past couple of weeks, while shopping for baby items, I've mentioned to store clerks that we were expecting. However, after saying that, I've felt the need to explain that we are expecting through adoption. But, should I have to tell EVERYONE that we are expecting through adoption? I don't think so! Of course, we want people in our lives to know-thus our recent announcements on FB and my blog. I guess it's like any other personal information-you decide how much information you are comfortable sharing and with whom... What do you guys think?

Hope with A Dash of Reality:Update (Sorta)

I'm sorry that I have not had a chance to blog about what caused us to choose Open Domestic adoption. I have not had a chance to interview Billy, and I really want to include his perspective. So that posting will have to wait for now. However, in the meantime, I'd like to update you on our "wait."

You would think after 8 years of waiting, we would be experts. We should be so used to it by now that nothing surprises us or gets us down. Ugh-so not true! Billy and I have been on cloud nine about our decision to adopt, our choice of adoption facilitator, and our certainty in God's perfect plan. But, after a short two months of being in the program, the quietness is causing us to peter out. Being "pregnant on paper" is so different than actually being pregnant! During pregnancy, one can actually witness physical changes. The mommy's tummy is growing, which is proof of the baby's development. However, when one is "pregnant on paper," most developments, especially the early ones, occur behind the scenes.

It looks as if it is going to remain quiet until we are matched to a birthmom. Billy emailed the adoption facilitator yesterday to "check in." She mentioned that a baby had been born recently and placed into an adoptive couple's home, another adoptive couple was matched, and a potential birth mom called this week to inquire about their program. These are all good developments because as other couples move out of the program, our chances of being chosen increase. So, we will just have to keep the momentum of excitement going by reminding ourselves who's in control. In the meantime, we will throw ourselves into some home projects. There's plenty of them around here!

November: National Adoption Month!

I had no idea that November was National Adoption Month nor did I know that November 20th was National Adoption Day until I received my monthly email from American Adoptions. This email has some great ideas for commemorating adoption that I would like to pass on to my friends:

*Ask your public library to create an Adoption display. During the children's reading hour, adoption stories can be read.

*Attend an Adoption event in your area. For a list of events, go to American Adoptions online community.

*Write a letter to your local newspaper or local news station asking them to highlight adoption stories this month. If you know of an inspiring story, share it with them.

*Ask teachers at your school to present lesson plans about adoption. If a teacher assigns a family tree assignment, talk to the teacher about how it may be difficult for adoptees (particularly of closed adoptions) to do the assignment.

*Ask your church leaders to present Adoption in their messages. After all, the concept of Adoption came from God! (More about that later from me.)

*If you have adopted a child, create a scrapbook. Or, if you're a waiting adoptive couple, create a scrapbook for your future child.

*********************************************************************************

As posted on my Facebook profile status, Harpo Marx, of Marx Brothers fame (comedy team from the 1930's-40's), and his wife Susan adopted four children. When asked by fellow comedian George Burns how many children he planned to adopt, he answered,"I'd like to adopt as many children as I have windows. So when I leave, I want a kid in every window, waving goodbye." I thought that was so sweet, so I had to share it. Also, check out the picture of Harpo, who was known for his trademark curly blond locks, and three of four of his children sporting Harpo wigs!

Nursery Decorating Fun

If you have seen our home, you know that we are not fans of white walls or the cookie cutter look. The best way to describe my decorating style is "Past Perfect," according to the book entitled "Waverly Inspirations." I love an eclectic assortment of antique and vintage items that nod to old American traditions and European influence. Most of my home's wall colors are warm, though my dining room is a light yellow with accents of red drapery and red and white transfer ware. As we consider the nursery's decor, we know that we want it to be extra special and unique, to be well-planned, and to somehow reflect our personal decorating tastes.

Since we may not know the gender of our baby until after he or she is born, we cannot decorate too frilly or too much masculinity. We have chosen a nursery rhyme theme-like the cow jumped over the moon, the cat and the fiddle, Bo Peep, etc. We have pretty much decided upon pale blue for the walls, and Billy is going to paint a cloud effect on the ceiling. (Billy is the creative energy,took art classes, and even painted murals at his high school.) The crib, changing table, and dresser are a creamy white. We tore the carpet out of the room years ago, and it now has light oak laminated flooring. Yesterday we found a simple, wooden rocker at the Salvation Army that we will paint the same color as the other furniture.

Of all the nursery items, I have had the most fun contemplating the crib bedding. I found an adorable yellow fabric with nursery rhyme a characters called "Over the Moon" online. It is a toile fabric, and would suit a bedding set for a boy or girl. However, to fabric is pricy and to pay for someone to sew the bumpers, comforter, bed skirt, would have cost an arm and a leg! I loved it so much, that I was trying to figure out how to cut corners, but then Billy and I made a wonderful discovery last weekend at a local baby store: we stumbled upon the most adorable painting of the cow jumping over the moon. We were prepared to buy it, but then we found out that it was part of a crib bedding set they were selling on consignment! The set included bumpers, a baby blanket, two different bed skirts, a fitted sheet, a changing table cover, two window valances, and drapes-all in perfect condition for a great price! Best of all, it would work for a boy or girl, and I strongly suspected that I could still have a comforter made out of the toile fabric. The colors in the bedding set appeared to coordinate well with the toile fabric, though I had only seen pics of the fabric online. I sent away for a sample, and it arrived on Thursday. It is perfect! I already have someone commissioned to sew the comforter.

Besides having a seamstress help with the bedding, we are going to have a chest built my great grandfather refinished for the nursery. The chest is extrememly unique: made out of a piano! We will use it to hold blankets. I am so excited to jump in with painting and decorating! It is something we have always enjoyed doing together, and since this is preparation for our future little one-it makes it even more exciting!

"Last of the Mohicans"

As you can imagine, through the eight years of our journey to extend our family, we have crossed paths with other couples struggling with infertility. Each has had to make a decision regarding how much medical intervention they would pursue. Though the struggle is the same, the (treatment) path is often different. This makes perfect sense when you consider there can be numerous causes of infertility. Or, a couple may be a medical mystery, and their specialist may not be able to diagnose the cause for the infertility (Unexplained Infertility). Twenty percent of couples experiencing infertility join us within that statistic. Because of this, there is constant shifting of "teams."

The "teams" are the couples with kids and the couples without kids. Billy and I have been blessed by the comradery of couple friends who journeyed with us. However, throughout the years, many of our friends have shifted to other "teams." Friends who once struggled with infertility have had success through treatment or have been surprised by a natural pregnancy. In each case, we were so happy for our friends, but we observed a change (which should happen): those friends became very busy after having children and appeared to gravitate more towards other friends on the same "team." This happened a lot, and we began to feel that we were the "Last of the Mohicans."

There is such a desire to seek out people like you, so that you are not alone. We began seeking. Five years ago, I joined a wonderful Christian Infertility Support Website entitled "Stepping Stones Forums" which is connected to Bethany Christian Services. The website provides women and men struggling with infertility the opportunity to connect and to support each other through the journey. "Stepping Stones" has a wide array of forums of different subject matters: Our Journey with Christ (devotional); Prayer and Praise; Interpersonal Relationships; Diagnostic Testing; Assisted Reproductive Technology; Ethics; and many more! These forums provide couples a safe place to discuss concerns they have with others who can relate. The website has been such a blessing in our lives, and I have met some wonderful Christians ladies from various parts of the country that I would never have met had I not explored the site (stepforums.bethany.org) .

In addition to receiving support from Stepping Stones, four years ago, I started a Christian Infertility Support Group called "Aspire." There were six of us who met on a weekly basis for a Bible study and prayer time. God really stretched me at this time. My focus shifted from myself to the pain experienced by our group members. Though the group eventually dissolved as members shifted "teams," I believe God orchestrated the formation of the group at the perfect time for its members.

You may know someone who is feeling like the "Last of the Mohicans" due to their struggle with infertility. Please pass on the Stepping Stones site and do not hesitate to pass on my email. I would love the opportunity to encourage them. They are not alone. There are lots of people who can empathize. More importantly, there is a Heavenly Father who wants to walk with them and if necessary carry them on their journey.

On the Lighter Side

About three years ago, I had taken a break from teaching and started my home based tutoring business. We felt it was best that I was not teaching full time at that point of our journey. It was a particularly difficult time emotionally and physically, and I began journaling. However, I did not stop with writing down my thoughts privately. I actually wrote the Dr. Phil show about our struggle to have a child. (I have always felt that Infertility is not given the air time that it deserves. In fact, it seems like a taboo subject!). When we went through another speed bump in our journey, I shot off a second letter. I NEVER expected to hear anything. Surprisingly, weeks later, we received a call from one of the show's producers!

I cannot even tell you how surprised I was about that! My letter had explained the emotional, physical, and financial struggle (partly because I was not teaching fulltime) we were experiencing, and apparantly sparked an interest in Dr. Phil's staff. The producer interviewed both of us, and then asked for us to email a picture to her. At this point, we were preparing to go on national television to have our private pain become very public. We were willing to make that sacrifice if Dr. Phil would actually provide us with some words of wisdom/counsel. We also thought that our story and Dr. Phil's advice may help other couples struggling with infertility.

Then the producer called a second time, and she explained that she wanted to ask us more in depth questions. I interviewed first, and then Billy. She had even asked us if we could recruit family members to go on the show! She told us that we would get an email whether the production crew felt we were a good match for the show's topic. A few days later, we received our answer: we would not be asked to appear on the show because there was not enough conflict in our marriage. One of the questions the producer had asked Billy was, "Do you resent Heather because of the infertility?" Billy had answered "no." Though we were slightly disappointed about being rejected by the Dr. Phil show, we were pretty happy to hear that our life was pretty conflict and drama free. Especially since this was about the time that Dr. Phil's show started to become more Jerry Springer-ish. This struggle has united us more than it has divided us! I thank God for that!

Peace-Part 2

I know that most cannot relate to our struggle with infertility, but I know that many of you can relate to aspects of your life not working out as planned. When it's a major disappointment, like the loss of a loved one, a financial hardship, or a life changing illness, it is very normal for us to question God's plan for our life. Rather than pulling away from God or giving up on praying, we should try to draw closer. For me that was sooooooo difficult! It literally has taken years, and I feel that my relationship with Him is still on the mend. Sometimes it seems impossible to say "It is well: the will of God be done." It's easier to sink into a pity party. One way I try to snap myself out of a pity party is by reminding myself of God's faithfulness in the lives of other believers.

The story of many biblical characters demonstrate God's faithfulness, but so do the stories of many of the authors of our beloved hymns. In 1873, Horatio G. Spafford, an attorney who had heavily invested in Chicago real estate, lost a large amount of money as a result of the Great Chicago fire. To distract himself from his pain, he labored intensly in helping a 100,000 homeless people rebuild their homes and their lives. Horatio planned to take his wife and four daughters to Europe, but then was detained in England due to business. He promised to join them later. Catastrophically, the French liner that his family was traveling on was struck another vessel, and a number of passengers were killed, including his four daughters. When his wife cabled him, her message simply stated: "Saved Alone." Horatio chartered a ship to join his wife, and on his journey he penned these words: "It is well: the will of God be done." This phrase would be the basis for a hymn with which we are all so familiar:

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul..." (lyrics from "It Is Well with My Soul)

You cannot read Horatio G. Spafford's story without being touched by it. Though he experienced such great loss and disappointment, he continued to be faithful to God. Such an inspiration for all of us as we go through our unique trials! If you would like to read the complete story of Horatio or any other hymn stories, I strongly recommend the book "Then Sings My Soul" by Robert J. Morgan.

Peace

In my previous blog, I wrote about how difficult it was for me to be in social situations with unfamiliar people. It is so interesting to me that the most social person can become more withdrawn when they are dealing with insecurities such as infertility. I'm not exactly a super out going person, but I've never had a problem socializing. (Case in point, when I was in grade school and collecting soup labels for a fundraiser, my mom was horrified to hear that I was going into people's homes and shooting the breeze.) It may be a little surprising to hear that infertility impeded my ability to socialize with people particularly at church.

Assembling and worshipping with other believers is one of the most wonderful things about being a Christian. However, depending on where you are in your infertility journey (testing, treatment, holding pattern, deciding to be a family of two, or pursuing adoption), it can be very difficult to survive a church service without breaking down emotionally. Whether the praise team sings a song like "Blessed Be Your Name" (lyrics from the song: "Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.") or a well-meaning greeter asks how many children you have, couples with inferitility can experience some very uncomfortable moments at church. I HATE being emotional around strangers, and if we felt particularly vulnerable, we "did" church at home-usually by watching Pastor Charles Stanley. Over the years, we have done this a lot, and though I felt that I learned so much from Charles Stanley, I would always feel guilty about not going to church. I believe my guilt stemmed from "forsaking the assembling" of the saints as mentioned in Hebrews 10:25. I believe public worship is so, so, important for our Christian walk. About the time we stopped attending church regularly, I stopped listening to Christian music and singing along to my worship cds on my work commute. I really felt that I had lost my joy and my heart's song.

The withdrawing, lack of joy, and absence of worship, I believe were all symptoms of a heart condition. I felt that God was not answering our prayers, and I was angry. I wanted my plans and my timing. I rationalized it by thinking that He had put this desire in our hearts for a child, so He must intend for us to have one biologically. Adoption was always an option- after we had biological children. After so many years of trying to trying manipulate things, we finally came to this conclusion: we want a family, and biology really doesn't matter. After lots of prayer regarding this, doors started to open. We heard about the local adoption facilitator through an employee of Tri-Counties Bank, Billy's employer. We applied for the program and were accepted within it last month.

Billy and I have so much peace about this. My relationship with God is on the mends. I feel myself starting to trust His plans and timing for my life more. We are trying to be better about attending church. I'm feeling more joy as I recognize all the blessings in my life. I've also started humming along to my worship music. He's restoring my heart's song...

Pure Joy

I can't even tell you how much excitement and pure joy I'm experiencing as a result of sharing our news with family and friends. Some have expressed complete shock about our adoption plans. The reason for this is because much of our struggle to have a child was kept very private. When dealing with infertility, emotions can be so raw, decisions so gut wrenching, and fear can be so crippling. Not just fear about whether you will ever have a biological child or experience parenthood, but also fear about being put into uncomfortable social situations.

For the most part, people who have known about our journey have been very loving and supportive, but there have been a few (mainly acquaintances and not friends on FB) that have said some doozies to us. Things like: "Who's fault is it that you can't get pregnant?" (FYI-we were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility, so this is no one's "fault.") ; "Why don't you guys do such and such treatment, see doctor so and so?" (We saw some wonderful, knowledgable doctors) ; "I'm so fertile I just have to look at my husband." (Thanks for making me feel even less womanly); and "You can have my kid/s" (Wow, I can't believe that you take your child for granted and have the nerve to tell me about it). Comments like these would always send me in a tailspin, and eventually caused me to withdraw from social sitations involving unfamiliar people. Through this, God has taught us LOTS of patience, and God has provided me with more courage to venture out and more grace to handle hurtful comments.

If you know a couple who is struggling with infertility, the greatest thing you can do is listen to them, pray for them, and obviously use common sense! Now that you have a clearer understanding about why we kept much of our journey underwraps, I want to readdress that pure joy that I'm feeling. The best way that I can describe it-I feel a huge weight of secret pain has been lifted. I believe that God is moving behind the scenes. We are waiting for His best. We've been waiting a long time, but we know that when this journey ends with the embracement of our future child, it will have been more than worth it. We plan to give Him all the glory. (Romans 8:28)