"How Do You Do It?"

It's Christmas Vacation, and I am sitting at my computer typing away at 6:20 a.m. I woke up a bit ago with something pretty deep on my mind. Try as I could, I tossed and turned, unable to return to the land of jumping sheep and happy places. Finally, I gave up the tug of war. I allowed myself to ponder the deep thought that awoke me: "how do I do it?" I have been asked this question numerous times over the years of our eight year struggle to have a family. As I thought through each coping strategy, tears welled up in my eyes. At this point, I knew God wanted me up this morning writing. Maybe this blog is meant to be therapeutic for me. Maybe there's a strategy that I haven't used in a while that I need to implement. There's also a possibility that my blog may somehow encourage someone going through a difficult time, possibly infertility. The latter reason was what got me out of bed. The following list can be appropriately entitled "How Heather Does It: facing Infertility and Other Disappointments."

1. All things are possible with God. Handsdown the only way that I have been able to get through, infertility, loss, and other stressful, life altering events is through my faith in God. I am always reminded that God will never give us more than we can handle. I use to think, "Wow, God really thinks I'm a strong person. Otherwise He wouldn't have allowed me to go through infertility, loss, etc." In those moments I was tempted to become a little proud. Now I realize that He doesn't give us more than we can handle when we rely completely on Him. Surrendering to God is the key. Is it easy? No, do I still struggle with it? Yes, all the time! I think one of the best literary pieces that expresses this concept is the Footprints poem. Remember how there was just one set of footprints in the end? It's not because God got out of Dodge because the going was tough. He carries us through the difficult times! He wants to keep doing that for us!

2. "Talk to me". I think God feels that way about us. He wants us to talk to Him. He sees us fretting about situations, and instead of reopening the lines of communication with Him, we talk to others. (Not that God doesn't want us to do that too, but He should be our preference, the first person we go to in times of trouble.) During our struggle, I have been so angry with God that I had no desire to talk to Him. I was so hurt over unanswered prayer. As Christians, we cannot allow these feelings to fester and to develop a pattern in our life. It can ruin our relationship with God! I know; I've been there! I cannot encourage you enough that if you're there, you need to try to mend the relationship! How can that be done? I can only tell you what has worked for me. When too broken to pray, I journaled prayers to God. Somehow that was easier than speaking them. That helped re-open the lines of communication on my end. Then I would read the Bible and listen to sermons in order to hear what God had to say to me. Lastly, I allowed myself to be in a quiet place free from tv, people, and other distractions to reflect upon what I had read or heard. Sometimes God's voice is a quiet one (remember the story of Elijah?), so it's important to be quiet and listen for Him.



3. I chose wisely eleven years ago. I cannot state and reiterate enough the importance of choosing a spouse. In Billy I have found someone who is my partner (sometimes in crime-ha, just kidding), my best friend, a comforter, and a pep talker! If you know him, he is a cup- is- half full- type of guy. If you know me, you realize he is my polar opposite. I cannot imagine life being married to anyone else, or someone resembling myself-I would be in jail for murder lol!. Seriously, God knew what He was doing when he matched us up. As corny as it sounds, he completes me. My realism and his optimism somehow "works."


4. My peeps are the tops. It has also helped me tremendously to have the loving support of family and friends. The love of my family has been unconditional. I know that this struggle has been hard on every family member on some level-particularly on my parents and especially on my mom. If you know my mom, she is the ideal mom. Some of my friends joked that she was like June Cleaver. She always knew exactly what to say to make things better. However, dealing with our infertility has not been easy for her. Mom and I are so much a like, but in this one area of my life, there's no way she (or anyone else who hasn't experienced infertility first hand) can truly empathize. I use to get so mad when people said the wrong thing or made me feel uncomfortable, including the people closest to me! It would hurt me to the core, and I would tell my mom about it. She would sympathize, but she always reminded me of the importance of grace. In addition, I have been incredibly blessed to have many dear friends along with me during this journey. Some are old friends, though we are separated by miles, they make their presence known by shooting me an email or writing on my FB wall. Some are local-how I treasure their weekly coffee trips and shopping excursions! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my friends and family!

5. Bend the ear of a trained professional. Sometimes you need to talk someone who is separated from the situation. That was the case back in April, when I was going through a particularly difficult time in our journey. I knew that I needed to do something pro-active, and we began the search for a counselor for me. Some of you may wonder if I ended up with a Christian counselor. We selected a counselor from the list of preferred providers from our insurance, and to my knowledge, my counselor was not a Christian. However, God used her tremendously! She spent a considerable amount of time getting to know me, and immediately keyed in on the importance of God in my life and my recent difficulties communicating with Billy. She offered me Biblically sound advice the four times I saw her. For example, she told me to journal prayers to God if I couldn't speak them. She encouraged me not to shy away from social situations, to begin attending church again-even to get involved in a Bible study! Lastly, she encouraged me to be open with Billy regardless of the emotion I was feeling. I know that I took a risk seeing a non-Christian counselor at an especially vulnerable time in my Christian walk, and I'm not sure that I would recommend it. However, thank God it worked for me! That along with taking a mallet to our sitting room wall were extremely therapeutic measures that I took!

6. Laughter is (one of) the best medicine(s). Everyone needs to escape from the routine and trials of life at some point. I try to escape whenever my schedule allows me. I love to read, to shop, and to watch a good sitcom or comedic film. I am not one who likes to watch horror or action films. Give me a good romantic comedy; Billy is such a good sport. He knows when I am overdue for a good laugh. In fact, if the laugh can't be provided by Hollywood, he will find some creative way to make me laugh. Whether he answers the phone with a fake accent, dances down the aisle at Wallmart, or tries to tickle my feet. He is my personal clown, and life with him is fun and always a breath of fresh air!

I hope that my list is not too obnoxious. I am not saying that I've figured it all out or that I have all the answers in regards to dealing with infertility or other life disappointments. I can only share what has worked for me. One last thought: remember the saying,"this too shall pass"? That has also helped me during our eight year journey. I believe in my heart that there will come a time, hopefully in the not too distant future, that our home will be filled with the sound of baby laughs and filled with the aroma of poopy diapers. Not that I'm looking forward to the diapers, but I am trying to mentally prepare for them lol... I hope that you find some encouragement in my writings.

"Everything's Beautiful"

During the holidays, we tend to be a bit more introspective. When Thanksgiving rolls around, we wonder how the year could have passed us by so quickly. The empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner tends to remind us of loved ones that we have lost. I have been thinking about my grandfather Louie so much lately. He had an expression that was his second most common catch phrase: "Everything's Beautiful."

There were times when he asked "Is Everything Beautiful?," and I was tempted to give him a grocery list of reasons why it wasn't. I came so close to saying something like, "Actually, Grandpa, I'm pretty stressed out. Life is crazy. I'm not sure I can keep the plates spinning. I don't know if we'll ever have kids. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get pregnant..." There was always something that stopped me from my rant. Deep down I knew that I am blessed: God loves me despite my faults, I have a wonderful, loving husband (who has the patience of Job), I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends, and I have my health (though I'm often convinced that I don't. A little hypochondria humor).





The holidays are still a struggle for me. Each year I hope and I pray that this is our last childless Christmas. There is such a temptation to resort to a pity party. Instead of falling into that pit, I am trying to focus on what I have to be thankful for instead of what I do not have. That is the key to being content. Life does seem more beautiful when you are content. When I am alone, I try not to think about how lonely I may feel or how disappointed I am that our spare bedrooms aren't filled to the brim with kiddos. I am trying to appreciate the quiet moments I have to reflect upon my day and to talk to God. As I snuggle into my recliner with a cup of peppermint tea, away from the craziness of the holiday season, I am overcome with the feeling that "everything's beautiful." By the way, my grandpa's primary catch phrase was "Christ Is the Answer." My Grandpa Louie was a very wise man.