Nursery Decorating Fun

If you have seen our home, you know that we are not fans of white walls or the cookie cutter look. The best way to describe my decorating style is "Past Perfect," according to the book entitled "Waverly Inspirations." I love an eclectic assortment of antique and vintage items that nod to old American traditions and European influence. Most of my home's wall colors are warm, though my dining room is a light yellow with accents of red drapery and red and white transfer ware. As we consider the nursery's decor, we know that we want it to be extra special and unique, to be well-planned, and to somehow reflect our personal decorating tastes.

Since we may not know the gender of our baby until after he or she is born, we cannot decorate too frilly or too much masculinity. We have chosen a nursery rhyme theme-like the cow jumped over the moon, the cat and the fiddle, Bo Peep, etc. We have pretty much decided upon pale blue for the walls, and Billy is going to paint a cloud effect on the ceiling. (Billy is the creative energy,took art classes, and even painted murals at his high school.) The crib, changing table, and dresser are a creamy white. We tore the carpet out of the room years ago, and it now has light oak laminated flooring. Yesterday we found a simple, wooden rocker at the Salvation Army that we will paint the same color as the other furniture.

Of all the nursery items, I have had the most fun contemplating the crib bedding. I found an adorable yellow fabric with nursery rhyme a characters called "Over the Moon" online. It is a toile fabric, and would suit a bedding set for a boy or girl. However, to fabric is pricy and to pay for someone to sew the bumpers, comforter, bed skirt, would have cost an arm and a leg! I loved it so much, that I was trying to figure out how to cut corners, but then Billy and I made a wonderful discovery last weekend at a local baby store: we stumbled upon the most adorable painting of the cow jumping over the moon. We were prepared to buy it, but then we found out that it was part of a crib bedding set they were selling on consignment! The set included bumpers, a baby blanket, two different bed skirts, a fitted sheet, a changing table cover, two window valances, and drapes-all in perfect condition for a great price! Best of all, it would work for a boy or girl, and I strongly suspected that I could still have a comforter made out of the toile fabric. The colors in the bedding set appeared to coordinate well with the toile fabric, though I had only seen pics of the fabric online. I sent away for a sample, and it arrived on Thursday. It is perfect! I already have someone commissioned to sew the comforter.

Besides having a seamstress help with the bedding, we are going to have a chest built my great grandfather refinished for the nursery. The chest is extrememly unique: made out of a piano! We will use it to hold blankets. I am so excited to jump in with painting and decorating! It is something we have always enjoyed doing together, and since this is preparation for our future little one-it makes it even more exciting!

"Last of the Mohicans"

As you can imagine, through the eight years of our journey to extend our family, we have crossed paths with other couples struggling with infertility. Each has had to make a decision regarding how much medical intervention they would pursue. Though the struggle is the same, the (treatment) path is often different. This makes perfect sense when you consider there can be numerous causes of infertility. Or, a couple may be a medical mystery, and their specialist may not be able to diagnose the cause for the infertility (Unexplained Infertility). Twenty percent of couples experiencing infertility join us within that statistic. Because of this, there is constant shifting of "teams."

The "teams" are the couples with kids and the couples without kids. Billy and I have been blessed by the comradery of couple friends who journeyed with us. However, throughout the years, many of our friends have shifted to other "teams." Friends who once struggled with infertility have had success through treatment or have been surprised by a natural pregnancy. In each case, we were so happy for our friends, but we observed a change (which should happen): those friends became very busy after having children and appeared to gravitate more towards other friends on the same "team." This happened a lot, and we began to feel that we were the "Last of the Mohicans."

There is such a desire to seek out people like you, so that you are not alone. We began seeking. Five years ago, I joined a wonderful Christian Infertility Support Website entitled "Stepping Stones Forums" which is connected to Bethany Christian Services. The website provides women and men struggling with infertility the opportunity to connect and to support each other through the journey. "Stepping Stones" has a wide array of forums of different subject matters: Our Journey with Christ (devotional); Prayer and Praise; Interpersonal Relationships; Diagnostic Testing; Assisted Reproductive Technology; Ethics; and many more! These forums provide couples a safe place to discuss concerns they have with others who can relate. The website has been such a blessing in our lives, and I have met some wonderful Christians ladies from various parts of the country that I would never have met had I not explored the site (stepforums.bethany.org) .

In addition to receiving support from Stepping Stones, four years ago, I started a Christian Infertility Support Group called "Aspire." There were six of us who met on a weekly basis for a Bible study and prayer time. God really stretched me at this time. My focus shifted from myself to the pain experienced by our group members. Though the group eventually dissolved as members shifted "teams," I believe God orchestrated the formation of the group at the perfect time for its members.

You may know someone who is feeling like the "Last of the Mohicans" due to their struggle with infertility. Please pass on the Stepping Stones site and do not hesitate to pass on my email. I would love the opportunity to encourage them. They are not alone. There are lots of people who can empathize. More importantly, there is a Heavenly Father who wants to walk with them and if necessary carry them on their journey.

On the Lighter Side

About three years ago, I had taken a break from teaching and started my home based tutoring business. We felt it was best that I was not teaching full time at that point of our journey. It was a particularly difficult time emotionally and physically, and I began journaling. However, I did not stop with writing down my thoughts privately. I actually wrote the Dr. Phil show about our struggle to have a child. (I have always felt that Infertility is not given the air time that it deserves. In fact, it seems like a taboo subject!). When we went through another speed bump in our journey, I shot off a second letter. I NEVER expected to hear anything. Surprisingly, weeks later, we received a call from one of the show's producers!

I cannot even tell you how surprised I was about that! My letter had explained the emotional, physical, and financial struggle (partly because I was not teaching fulltime) we were experiencing, and apparantly sparked an interest in Dr. Phil's staff. The producer interviewed both of us, and then asked for us to email a picture to her. At this point, we were preparing to go on national television to have our private pain become very public. We were willing to make that sacrifice if Dr. Phil would actually provide us with some words of wisdom/counsel. We also thought that our story and Dr. Phil's advice may help other couples struggling with infertility.

Then the producer called a second time, and she explained that she wanted to ask us more in depth questions. I interviewed first, and then Billy. She had even asked us if we could recruit family members to go on the show! She told us that we would get an email whether the production crew felt we were a good match for the show's topic. A few days later, we received our answer: we would not be asked to appear on the show because there was not enough conflict in our marriage. One of the questions the producer had asked Billy was, "Do you resent Heather because of the infertility?" Billy had answered "no." Though we were slightly disappointed about being rejected by the Dr. Phil show, we were pretty happy to hear that our life was pretty conflict and drama free. Especially since this was about the time that Dr. Phil's show started to become more Jerry Springer-ish. This struggle has united us more than it has divided us! I thank God for that!

Peace-Part 2

I know that most cannot relate to our struggle with infertility, but I know that many of you can relate to aspects of your life not working out as planned. When it's a major disappointment, like the loss of a loved one, a financial hardship, or a life changing illness, it is very normal for us to question God's plan for our life. Rather than pulling away from God or giving up on praying, we should try to draw closer. For me that was sooooooo difficult! It literally has taken years, and I feel that my relationship with Him is still on the mend. Sometimes it seems impossible to say "It is well: the will of God be done." It's easier to sink into a pity party. One way I try to snap myself out of a pity party is by reminding myself of God's faithfulness in the lives of other believers.

The story of many biblical characters demonstrate God's faithfulness, but so do the stories of many of the authors of our beloved hymns. In 1873, Horatio G. Spafford, an attorney who had heavily invested in Chicago real estate, lost a large amount of money as a result of the Great Chicago fire. To distract himself from his pain, he labored intensly in helping a 100,000 homeless people rebuild their homes and their lives. Horatio planned to take his wife and four daughters to Europe, but then was detained in England due to business. He promised to join them later. Catastrophically, the French liner that his family was traveling on was struck another vessel, and a number of passengers were killed, including his four daughters. When his wife cabled him, her message simply stated: "Saved Alone." Horatio chartered a ship to join his wife, and on his journey he penned these words: "It is well: the will of God be done." This phrase would be the basis for a hymn with which we are all so familiar:

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul..." (lyrics from "It Is Well with My Soul)

You cannot read Horatio G. Spafford's story without being touched by it. Though he experienced such great loss and disappointment, he continued to be faithful to God. Such an inspiration for all of us as we go through our unique trials! If you would like to read the complete story of Horatio or any other hymn stories, I strongly recommend the book "Then Sings My Soul" by Robert J. Morgan.

Peace

In my previous blog, I wrote about how difficult it was for me to be in social situations with unfamiliar people. It is so interesting to me that the most social person can become more withdrawn when they are dealing with insecurities such as infertility. I'm not exactly a super out going person, but I've never had a problem socializing. (Case in point, when I was in grade school and collecting soup labels for a fundraiser, my mom was horrified to hear that I was going into people's homes and shooting the breeze.) It may be a little surprising to hear that infertility impeded my ability to socialize with people particularly at church.

Assembling and worshipping with other believers is one of the most wonderful things about being a Christian. However, depending on where you are in your infertility journey (testing, treatment, holding pattern, deciding to be a family of two, or pursuing adoption), it can be very difficult to survive a church service without breaking down emotionally. Whether the praise team sings a song like "Blessed Be Your Name" (lyrics from the song: "Blessed be your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.") or a well-meaning greeter asks how many children you have, couples with inferitility can experience some very uncomfortable moments at church. I HATE being emotional around strangers, and if we felt particularly vulnerable, we "did" church at home-usually by watching Pastor Charles Stanley. Over the years, we have done this a lot, and though I felt that I learned so much from Charles Stanley, I would always feel guilty about not going to church. I believe my guilt stemmed from "forsaking the assembling" of the saints as mentioned in Hebrews 10:25. I believe public worship is so, so, important for our Christian walk. About the time we stopped attending church regularly, I stopped listening to Christian music and singing along to my worship cds on my work commute. I really felt that I had lost my joy and my heart's song.

The withdrawing, lack of joy, and absence of worship, I believe were all symptoms of a heart condition. I felt that God was not answering our prayers, and I was angry. I wanted my plans and my timing. I rationalized it by thinking that He had put this desire in our hearts for a child, so He must intend for us to have one biologically. Adoption was always an option- after we had biological children. After so many years of trying to trying manipulate things, we finally came to this conclusion: we want a family, and biology really doesn't matter. After lots of prayer regarding this, doors started to open. We heard about the local adoption facilitator through an employee of Tri-Counties Bank, Billy's employer. We applied for the program and were accepted within it last month.

Billy and I have so much peace about this. My relationship with God is on the mends. I feel myself starting to trust His plans and timing for my life more. We are trying to be better about attending church. I'm feeling more joy as I recognize all the blessings in my life. I've also started humming along to my worship music. He's restoring my heart's song...

Pure Joy

I can't even tell you how much excitement and pure joy I'm experiencing as a result of sharing our news with family and friends. Some have expressed complete shock about our adoption plans. The reason for this is because much of our struggle to have a child was kept very private. When dealing with infertility, emotions can be so raw, decisions so gut wrenching, and fear can be so crippling. Not just fear about whether you will ever have a biological child or experience parenthood, but also fear about being put into uncomfortable social situations.

For the most part, people who have known about our journey have been very loving and supportive, but there have been a few (mainly acquaintances and not friends on FB) that have said some doozies to us. Things like: "Who's fault is it that you can't get pregnant?" (FYI-we were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility, so this is no one's "fault.") ; "Why don't you guys do such and such treatment, see doctor so and so?" (We saw some wonderful, knowledgable doctors) ; "I'm so fertile I just have to look at my husband." (Thanks for making me feel even less womanly); and "You can have my kid/s" (Wow, I can't believe that you take your child for granted and have the nerve to tell me about it). Comments like these would always send me in a tailspin, and eventually caused me to withdraw from social sitations involving unfamiliar people. Through this, God has taught us LOTS of patience, and God has provided me with more courage to venture out and more grace to handle hurtful comments.

If you know a couple who is struggling with infertility, the greatest thing you can do is listen to them, pray for them, and obviously use common sense! Now that you have a clearer understanding about why we kept much of our journey underwraps, I want to readdress that pure joy that I'm feeling. The best way that I can describe it-I feel a huge weight of secret pain has been lifted. I believe that God is moving behind the scenes. We are waiting for His best. We've been waiting a long time, but we know that when this journey ends with the embracement of our future child, it will have been more than worth it. We plan to give Him all the glory. (Romans 8:28)