Disclaimer: This post is VERY sensitive in nature. Because of the subject matter, the privacy setting has been adjusted on Facebook. The purpose of the post is to educate others as to the longterm impact infertility has upon many women. Do you remember this nugget of wisdom? "First of all, he said, if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." Atticus-Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird. This post will give you that opportunity-to crawl into the skin of a woman who has struggled with the deepest wounds caused by infertility.
"First comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage..." Growing up we recited little sing-songy rhymes about life, played with our dolls, and scrawled MASH on our paper to see what kind of job, home, spouse, and number of children we would have, without understanding that none of those things come easily-let alone having children. In my growing up years, I don't know if I was even aware of infertility. I don't recall anyone I knew struggling with infertility, nor do I remember discussing it in our Family Living class at Liberty Christian High School (was that what our class was called?). The Center of Disease Control and Prevention reports that 1.5 million women in the United States are infertile. Aside from the physical impacts of infertility, there are very significant psychological impacts.
It makes sense that infertility impacts women in such a deep psychological way. It comes from the assumption that when you grow up and get married, you are going to have children some day. I had it figured out. I wanted three kids: a boy first, then a second, boy, and a little girl. I wanted the older brothers to protect the younger sister. Fast forward to our struggle to have a family, those dreams were not easy to set aside. With each unproductive month of "trying," I began feeling worse and worse about myself. How valuable was I to my husband if I couldn't have a baby? I mean, I clean up okay, but he certainly didn't marry me for my looks, cooking ability, or other domestic talents. I began to hear about friends of mine who struggled with infertility, and their marriage ended! The financial and emotional toll was too much for them. Would it happen to us? I couldn't blame Billy for wanting to move on to "greener (more fertile) pastures."
I began to feel very unattractive. Very unwomanly. Very useless. Very unworthy.The fun part of "trying" to have a baby wasn't fun. In fact, that is an understatement. Imagine sharing precious intimate times with your spouse only to be interuppted with moment killing thoughts like "go ahead, nothing is going to come from this anyway" followed by horrible ugly crying (you can laugh at the ugly crying part). It happened and sometimes still happens.
I know that I am not the only infertile woman who has experieced these deep emotional wounds. According to "Psychological Consequences of Infertility" from the Hellenic Journal of Pschology, infertility can cause self-esteem and self-image issues that can lead to depression and ultimately a lack of sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction. These psychological impacts of infertility compounded with anxiety (often magnified by hormones when undergoing fertility treatments) and financial pressure, are huge contributors to divorce.
The only way that Billy and I got through any of this, and still get through it, is by the grace of God. Unlike a struggle with weight or any other physical, self-image related issues in which a person has ultimate control, I cannot control my fertility. That is one major reason I have struggled-I'm a control freak and a huge planner. Family planning (ha, ha-I have to laugh at the term or I cry)...BUT, God is ultimately in control. With each year that passes, it becomes more apparent that His best plan for me is not to ever get pregnant. He probably knows that I would have been a psycho pregnant lady-maybe I'd key someone's car or something...Whatever His reason for this, I have to trust that He has my best interest at heart. I also have to constantly remind myself that as a Christian, my value is in Christ. He felt I was worthy enough to purchase with His blood, and because of that I need to live for Him. He didn't purchase me to live a barely making it life, but He wants me to live as a Victor because of all that He has done-through the cross. He conquered our infertility by blessing us with Liam, and He may choose to do that again.
In my strongest, most victorious voice, don't you dare feel sorry for me! I'm learning to rejoice in these emotional scars. When people hear about our struggle, I get to brag about what God has done for us. I get to encourage other ladies who are in the midst of the rollercoaster, and I am blessed by the relationships that have resulted from all of this. So really, our infertility is a gift that keeps on giving!
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Recent Reflections
And three years without blogging went-just like that (snaps fingers). Wow...I relied on blogging to help me address the deep sadness that I experienced during our journey to start a family and to help me keep people informed about how Liam was doing during his first year of life. Now, I have another reason to blog...
Remember those dreams you had when you were in high school? How you thought your life would turn out-the job, marrital status, kids, etc.? Did life follow your plans? For most people their life probably didn't turn out exactly how they dreamt. So that brings up an issue regarding perspective- do you say "plot twist!" and roll with it, or do you wallow in self-pity? Ten years of the infertility rollercoaster was a constant struggle not to fall in into that pit. After adopting Liam, I thought I had gotten it: like Jacob in the Bible who waited for Rachel literally for years, we had also received our blessing. Hind sight was 20/20. God PROVED faithful. He blessed us beyond what we could have ever imagined. There is nothing we would have changed about our journey-NOTHING... Not the poking and prodding of fertility treatments, not the miscarriages, not the emotional toll it took on Billy and I individually, not the strain it put on our marriage, nor the financial debt-because it ultimately lead us to God's perfect plan for us. Now he's four years old!
So, where do we go from here? That is the question we are faced with, and time is passing us by at lightening speed. Billy and I aren't getting any younger, and neither is Liam lol. When Billy and I were married, we dreamt of having the 2.5 kids (.5 was that another baby or a dog?-could never figure that out...). Of course we had no idea that we would struggle for as long as we did to have a family. We wanted to exhaust all of our resources, thus the fertility treatments. We didn't want to look back, and have regret for not giving it "a good ol' college try." However, we continue to experience the consquences of devoting so much of our finances to becoming a family-not just on fertility treatments but also the cost of adopting. Because of that, Billy and I have taken a very passive stance in further expanding our family. Years ago, I told Billy that I thought God might surprise us in the future. That maybe He didn't want us to be so proactive to pursue baby #2. Maye he wanted us to wait for Him to bring a situation to us.
That is exactly what happened-twice. However, neither obviously panned out. When Liam wasn't even a year old, Billy received a phone call from our social worker that a college girl was wanting to put her baby up for adoption. Our heads spinned as we tried to imagine having two babies in diapers. Billy continously called and checked in with our social worker, but the mother decided to keep the baby. Then in March of this year, I was contacted by a friend about birthparents who wanted to place their child up for adoption. This situation was a bit stickier, and ultimately did not work out either. Billy rolled with it all as a champ. I had a harder time-I felt like God was waving a carrot in front of my face, just out of reach. It felt like a cruel trick. Once again I realized that I needed to rage battle with my thoughts.
As Christians, that is the struggle, right? To not just rattle off Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. You have to believe that God really has the best plan for us, and you have to abandon what we thought was going to happen. Accept, and move on. Not so easy, but something that is essential: die to self; live for Christ. I know that I am not the only person that is struggling with this concept. We need to pray for each other as we endure our unqiue trials, refer to previous times in our life when God has proven himself faithful, we need to feed our soul by devouring His Word, and we need to pour ourselves out to Him. Something Billy and I need to do more often as we contemplate our current passive stance or taking on a more proactive stance to add to our family. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Remember those dreams you had when you were in high school? How you thought your life would turn out-the job, marrital status, kids, etc.? Did life follow your plans? For most people their life probably didn't turn out exactly how they dreamt. So that brings up an issue regarding perspective- do you say "plot twist!" and roll with it, or do you wallow in self-pity? Ten years of the infertility rollercoaster was a constant struggle not to fall in into that pit. After adopting Liam, I thought I had gotten it: like Jacob in the Bible who waited for Rachel literally for years, we had also received our blessing. Hind sight was 20/20. God PROVED faithful. He blessed us beyond what we could have ever imagined. There is nothing we would have changed about our journey-NOTHING... Not the poking and prodding of fertility treatments, not the miscarriages, not the emotional toll it took on Billy and I individually, not the strain it put on our marriage, nor the financial debt-because it ultimately lead us to God's perfect plan for us. Now he's four years old!
So, where do we go from here? That is the question we are faced with, and time is passing us by at lightening speed. Billy and I aren't getting any younger, and neither is Liam lol. When Billy and I were married, we dreamt of having the 2.5 kids (.5 was that another baby or a dog?-could never figure that out...). Of course we had no idea that we would struggle for as long as we did to have a family. We wanted to exhaust all of our resources, thus the fertility treatments. We didn't want to look back, and have regret for not giving it "a good ol' college try." However, we continue to experience the consquences of devoting so much of our finances to becoming a family-not just on fertility treatments but also the cost of adopting. Because of that, Billy and I have taken a very passive stance in further expanding our family. Years ago, I told Billy that I thought God might surprise us in the future. That maybe He didn't want us to be so proactive to pursue baby #2. Maye he wanted us to wait for Him to bring a situation to us.
That is exactly what happened-twice. However, neither obviously panned out. When Liam wasn't even a year old, Billy received a phone call from our social worker that a college girl was wanting to put her baby up for adoption. Our heads spinned as we tried to imagine having two babies in diapers. Billy continously called and checked in with our social worker, but the mother decided to keep the baby. Then in March of this year, I was contacted by a friend about birthparents who wanted to place their child up for adoption. This situation was a bit stickier, and ultimately did not work out either. Billy rolled with it all as a champ. I had a harder time-I felt like God was waving a carrot in front of my face, just out of reach. It felt like a cruel trick. Once again I realized that I needed to rage battle with my thoughts.
As Christians, that is the struggle, right? To not just rattle off Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28. You have to believe that God really has the best plan for us, and you have to abandon what we thought was going to happen. Accept, and move on. Not so easy, but something that is essential: die to self; live for Christ. I know that I am not the only person that is struggling with this concept. We need to pray for each other as we endure our unqiue trials, refer to previous times in our life when God has proven himself faithful, we need to feed our soul by devouring His Word, and we need to pour ourselves out to Him. Something Billy and I need to do more often as we contemplate our current passive stance or taking on a more proactive stance to add to our family. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)